Infrastructure. (Or, ‘…whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.’)

That comes from Blanche near the end of ‘A Streetcar Named Desire.’  That play haunted me for quite a while, the idea of how one’s personality can so powerfully shape the destiny of one’s world…

No man (or woman) is an island, it has been said.  For us to enjoy much of what life has to offer (such as the Internet), much of it has been the result of people pooling together their energies in order to achieve common goals.

Going to the supermarket and being picky about what you want to eat, rather than be limited to the acid rain tainted local produce.  Or choosing to climb into a large aluminum can with rockets thousands of miles away and chill the fuck out.

I won’t lie, I’ve been alternating between feelings of euphoria and dread over the last few days since I stopped working.  That feeling of validation that I hadn’t felt in a long time, at least as it pertains to the ability to survive in this unique environment on this planet, had felt good.  To work in a field of personal expertise, do it honestly and reliably, and at the end of the day know that I’ve got at least 100$ in the bank from that day’s work.

In retrospect, I never anticipated being considered for that job as soon as I had been.  I thought that I would’ve been considered only after finishing the Cisco Certified Network Associate course.  And the work was so easy.  It was just… time consuming.  Not to be ungrateful; I’m happy that they decided to take a chance on me.  It was just, it didn’t click with other aspects of my life that were already set in place, that were more important.

My daughter, not having much time to really spend quality time with her – on those days that I’d come from work, I’d be tired as fuck and have enough energy to shower, give her a hug and have a good hour and a half for just some father-daughter time… and then we both pass out.  (I try to make up for it on weekends…)

Food.  I’d eat out all the time.  The seitan caesar wrap @ Terri’s was pretty dope, but… I’d eat at other places, too.  Not knowing what was inside, because I didn’t prepare it.  Didn’t have much time, anyway.  Or if I did, then I was trying to drink alcohol to forget the stressors of the workplace.

Time.  I used to visit my psychologist at least once a week @ the local VA.  Since working, being able to continue visiting would mean either having to work later or take a pay cut.  Neither seemed acceptable (the former especially considering that I wasn’t already spending as much time with my daughter as I would’ve liked), so I stopped altogether.  Plus, there were other things I had in mind to do with this time, working with different entrepreneurial business models.

I think I’d like to go back to school, also.  Graduate school, part time.  As such, I would like a job that pays roughly the same amount that I was getting (about 38K before taxes), but a 20 hour workweek.  Finishing my CCNA certification would be the quickest route to this accomplishment, I think.

And the first person I’d ask about getting such work started is probably the same bloke that teaches the course!

Keeping hope alive can be difficult sometimes, so my hope for the future is that my life may be an enduring testimony to those who have struggled with similar issues ~ and more than that, to show that there is a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel of existential despair.

Foundations of love and compassion which not only keep you alive, but also the lives of those you love… and even those you may despise, in hope that their evils may be overcome and transformed into benevolent miracles.

namaste.

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