don’t hug me i’m scared 4 (syncretic stigma-[ta])

(the edited P.R. version of my consciousness)

I am thankful to God for where I am today, especially considering where I’m coming from.  The concept of death and resurrection… I have felt on many levels.  And the many brushes of near-death that I have experienced, and possibly will experience…

That the world has known love, the fourth chakra, and has not been stuck in lower levels of thought that are conducive to violence and ‘eye-for-an-eye’ mentalities that lead to endless bloodshed among bloodlines… and gangs…

That we can forgive and help each other, understanding in a profound way that it may somehow come back to us… I am grateful.

Happy Easter!


(in my head // parallel thoughts)

what a difference some time away makes.  things have become so much more complicated now, between myself and everyone.

cutting myself off from being contacted… I didn’t mean to have anyone think that I was dead.  and in a way, i was.  temporary suicide, on many levels that I don’t care to explain.

to you, who may be reading this, you may think that i’m just writing this to be sensational.  well… maybe part of the appeal of blogging is to entertain you, the reader.  yet, this is all quite real.

a  moment that I remember very well was during a cuddle party, when Reid told us that, for the things that we encounter, to make use of the things that are relevant to our lives, and to let go of that which may not be (not necessarily to forget, more so to not use them.)  I do seriously wonder, god forbid, if I had, have (or still do) unconsciously apply this theorem to… people.  i sure hope not.

needless to say, my thoughts today have been… scattershot.  mentally, I have been traversing years, decades at a time, wondering how I got to this point.  of being so reclusive, only wishing to open up to strangers on the internets.

maybe this is a normal thing, considering how alike we all are.  the medium of the internet, connecting people that otherwise would never meet in ‘meatspace.’  that space where I feel stigmatized, where not much less than a metaphorical suicide is required in order to find common ground.

empathy.  I’m in love with the planet and its’ inhabitants.  I wish to do no harm.  I’d be vegan, if I could.  But my flesh craves… protein.  Is it bad?  I’m not sure.  Going off topic…

Feels like I’m sort of losing it, a little.  But then again, maybe there’s no such thing as a universal baseline.  Evolution, revolutions, mutations are an everyday occurrence.

Thoughts that many would consider heretical, just another day in the life.  This life, which I mostly love and sometimes fear.  Fear of alien elements (not in the sense of UFOs, but things that appear to run counter to my sense of what is ethical) which pose a threat to… an ideal existence.  hellish things.

a syncretic philosophy of existence is what I seek, and honestly I feel like I lack courage to be open with it and manifest it on an everyday basis.  Such a methodology of existence feels like breaking away from Earth’s gravity into the unknown vastness of space.  Hope of another world exists, but at the same time… there could simply be nothing there but death waiting.

the loneliness of those moments which threaten to break me… or make me stronger and more observant and resilient, if I survive.


none of this may make sense to you… but this wasn’t made for you.

what is made for you is this video, kekekekeke

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